Bognor Regis beach

Bognor Regis beach

By Chris Bovey

Police in the dull seaside resort of Bognor Regis on the south coast of England in West Susses are very pleased with themselves for taking sixteen harmless cannabis plants off the streets.

The brave boys in blue knocked on the address of 23-year-old, Harry Martin, where they found sixteen cannabis plants, which would be completely legal in much of the developed world.

Not so in the UK, unless you are screwing the Prime Minister or her Drugs Minister, then you can grow over 16,000 plants without fear of prosecution as they have a licence granted by the British Home Office that they control.

These sixteen plants landed poor Mr Martin up in Worthing Magistrates Court in front of the bench headed by an ignoramus called Stephen Ewin, who has an I.Q. in the region similar to the number plants the police found.

Magistrate Stephen Ewins, Worthing Magistrates Court

The real monster is Magistrate Stephen Ewins.

Mr Stephen Ewins said: “Drugs offences are serious offences which the courts do not take lightly.”

Mr Ewins took account of his guilty plea, which they often coerce defendants into pleading, dangling the promise of a lighter sentence under their noses and the fact Mr Martin had no previous convictions. Had he opted for Crown Court, it’s likely the charges would have been dropped.

The guilty plea and lack of previous convictions still didn’t stop the ignorant Stephen Ewins, Chair of the bench, handing out a sentence of 60 hours of unpaid work, plus an £85 victim surcharge, despite the fact the only victim here is Harry Mullins.

Defending solicitor Rachel Roberts said: “You have a defendant here who has no similar previous convictions and has pleaded guilty at the first opportunity.

“He has made full admissions.”

Yet, Magistrate Ewins still said: “However many plants there were you were quite serious about producing it.

It doesn’t stop there, Chairman of the Bench, Magistrate Stephen Ewins, decided to publicly let the world know what a cretinous moron he truly is by declaring:

“If you continue to use cannabis you will return to court. It will result in you losing your job, your friends, your family.

“Because that is what happens to drug addicts.”

It is a disgrace that mentally challenged bigots like Stephen Ewins are dishing out so-called justice enforcing our daft cannabis laws. Cannabis is not addictive, nor does it result necessarily in losing your job, friends or family, as most people are fortunate enough not to have horrible friends, family or boss.

The worst thing that could possibly happen if Harry Martin continues to use cannabis is he could end up in Court again in front of an evil uneducated cunt like Magistrate Stephen Ewins.

The worst that thing that could happen to Mr Martin if he ignores the crap advice given to him by the Court is he will not enjoy the pleasant and relaxing high the marijuana plant can give. I guess the sanctimonious and ill-informed Stephen Ewins would prefer Harry Martin poisons his liver with legal alcohol that is scientifically proven to be 114 times more dangerous than cannabis.

King George V’s famous last words were reportedly “Oh bugger Bognor”, I say “Bugger Magistrate Stephen Ewins.”


Chris Bovey, writer and musician.

Chris Bovey is a businessman, writer, artist, musician and practical joker. He lives in Devon with his partner, two children and cat. You can follow him on Facebook or Twitter @_dr_dremp.

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